24.2.18 Supermarket daffs
Make peace. You have to make peace. I've been saying this to myself all day today. Peace isn't going to be handed to me whole and solid, a brand new house to step into and bury myself in forever more. I'm going to have to make it around me and even then, it will be something fragile. I will have to care for it and renew it, every day, over and over, patching it up and smoothing it out. I believe that good things are more likely to come from a place of peace. I believe it is worth the work.
I thought I might as well make a start today, all over again, and so I tried to make my peace wherever I could. Whenever I could feel myself start to battle, in aggression or in defeat, whenever I started to make war with myself or my day, I tried to make something peaceful happen instead. I let myself rest when I needed to. I made good food and ate it very slowly. I watched the sun on the moss on next door's garage roof. I said "that's enough of that for today" when things stopped working and let myself change paths. I was a peacekeeper and a diplomat and the kind of person who tells themselves good stories - the kind that heals.
It felt like the opposite of giving up. In fact, it was the closest thing to victory I've felt in a long, long while.